36 Questions for Increasing Closeness
Pairs take turns asking each other three sets of twelve questions, each set more personal than the last, alternating who answers first. Set one is light (who would be your ideal dinner guest), set two goes into memories and values, set three into vulnerabilities. In the original study, strangers who did this felt markedly closer than pairs who asked small-talk questions.
Use on the first evening of a retreat to pair people who barely know each other, when the group will need to trust each other over the coming days.
Solves: Retreat icebreakers stay at the level of fun facts, so people spend two days with colleagues they still do not really know.
- 1
Step 1: Pair people who do not know each other well and hand out the question sheet (3 min).
- 2
Step 2: Set one: take turns with questions 1-12, alternating who answers first (10-15 min).
- 3
Step 3: Set two: questions 13-24 (10-15 min).
- 4
Step 4: Set three: questions 25-36. Remind people they can skip any question (10-15 min).
- 5
Step 5: Optional brief round in plenary: one word each on how the conversation felt (5 min).
- Tell people up front they can skip any question. It makes them more willing to try the rest.
- Review set three for your context; some questions may be too personal for a work group, and you can swap in milder ones.
- Use sets one and two only for a 25-minute version.